Want to help a survivor of sexual abuse? Read this.
Assisting someone with the process of healing from sexual abuse isn’t as simple as offering advice or a listening ear. In fact, if you say the wrong thing at the wrong time, it can be more harmful than not saying anything at all.
The vast majority of sexual assaults go unreported and the survivors are left to quietly work through the process of recovery on their own. Only 310 out of every 1,000 assaults are reported to law enforcement, making it one of the most underreported crimes.
And there’s the issue…
The unfortunate truth is, most people WANT to help a survivor but have no idea how to. They fear they’ll make a mistake or do more harm than good. But you can learn proven methods of how to help a sexual abuse survivor that can make a powerful difference in someone’s recovery process.
Sex abuse investigations should be left to a trained professional, but your part in that process shouldn’t be overlooked either. The more survivors feel like they can be believed and supported in their healing, the more likely they’ll be to reach out for the professional support they need to heal.
What you’ll learn:
- The Psychology of Survivorship & Trauma Response
- The Do’s & Don’ts of Supporting Survivors
- How To Create Safe Spaces for Healing
- Connecting Survivors with Professional Help
- Supporting Yourself While Supporting Others
The Brutal Truth of Sexual Abuse Survival
Sexual abuse is a multi-faceted trauma that impacts every aspect of a person’s life.
In the US, one in five girls and one in 20 boys is sexually abused during childhood. These are real people with real lives.
And some of them are people you know…
Here’s what you need to know about what they’re dealing with:
Survivors frequently blame themselves for what happened, especially if the abuser was someone they loved or trusted. This often causes them to remain silent for years.
The way sexual abuse impacts a person has no expiration date. It’s not linear. They could feel like they’ve got it “handled” for months and then out of nowhere triggers and flashbacks hit. They are not weak for this, it’s the way trauma works.
Sexual abuse survivors all respond differently. Some people become hypervigilant. Some become shut down. There is no single correct way to be a survivor.
The Essential Guide for Supporting Survivors
Supporting a sexual abuse survivor is not a skill most people learn without direction. It requires specific awareness and techniques.
The number one rule is:
Let them lead.
Sexual abuse is about someone else taking a person’s power and choice away. Your role in a survivor’s life is to give that power back to them. In the form of letting them tell you what they want to say, when they want support, and what kind of help they are ready to accept.
What TO Do When Supporting a Survivor
Believe them. Believe them now, believe them later, and believe them even if they change their story over time. The vast majority of people don’t lie about sexual abuse. You can say “I believe you” and be believed.
Listen without judgement. Don’t interrupt with “What did they look like?” or “Did they use a condom?” They don’t need an interrogation, they need someone to listen without judgement to whatever they want to share.
Tell them it wasn’t their fault. Even if they were younger, even if they liked the person, even if their body responded. Nothing a survivor does or didn’t do means they deserved it. Only the abuser is to blame.
Thank them for trusting you. Disclosure takes courage. Validate that courage.
Allow their choices. They may do things you can’t understand. They are entitled to their own choices.
What NOT to Do When Supporting a Survivor
Don’t ask for details. “So what exactly happened?” is not a helpful question, and often feels like retraumatizing the survivor.
Don’t pressure them to report. Many survivors have very valid reasons for not reporting. Taking that choice away from them is further victimization.
Don’t get angry with the abuser in front of them. It will make them feel like they need to comfort you, instead of focusing on their own healing.
Don’t give a timeline for healing. “You should be over this by now” or “It’s been x years” are counterproductive statements that serve to minimize the survivor’s experience.
Don’t share their story. Not with family members. Not with mutual friends. Not with other survivors. Confidentiality is key.
How To Create a Safe Space for Healing
Physical and emotional safety is the foundation of a survivor’s healing.
Physical safety is key. This could mean helping them change locks or being aware of who is around during vulnerable conversations.
Emotional safety is key. Be consistent, reliable, and non-judgemental. If you say you’re going to be there for them, show up.
Don’t assume the survivor needs “formal” conversations to disclose. Some people are safer doing an activity while they talk – walking, cooking, crafting, playing games, etc.
Be patient with the process. Some days they want to talk about the abuse, some days they want to do normal activities. Both are okay.
Connecting Survivors to Professional Help
Your support is vital, but most survivors need professional support as well.
Know when to suggest it. Threats of suicide, self-harm or having a difficult time with basic functioning are all times a professional needs to be in the loop.
Have research ready. Know about local trauma counselors, support groups and crisis hotlines. When you know the resources, you can easily suggest them.
Help with barriers. Whether that’s finding a therapist covered by insurance, or giving them a ride to appointments.
Know it’s okay if they’re not ready. Some survivors are never ready for formal counseling in the short term. Continue to support while keeping resources available.
The National Sexual Assault Hotline is a free and 24/7 confidential support line. It can also help connect survivors with local resources. Sometimes, simply knowing it’s there can be soothing.
Supporting Yourself While Supporting Another
Supporting a trauma survivor can take a toll on your own mental health.
Don’t be afraid to fill your own cup. Take care of your own emotional and physical needs. You’re not being selfish, you’re being necessary.
Seek support for yourself. Find a counselor, a support group or trusted people to help you process what you’re hearing.
Set healthy boundaries. You can be supportive without being available 24/7. “I care about you, but I’m not available right now. I’ll check in tomorrow” is a perfectly healthy boundary.
Know your limitations. You are not responsible for their healing. You are there to provide support, but they do the hard work themselves.
Secondary trauma is real. Hearing about abuse is traumatizing, even second hand. If you’re experiencing nightmares or intense anxiety, seek help.
The Long Road of Ongoing Support
Survival from sexual abuse is a long term process, not a destination.
Expect it to have setbacks. Things that seem to be handled can be triggered by anniversaries or unexpected reminders. This does not mean they’re not healing. Trauma is not linear.
Acknowledge the small victories. They can feel comfortable being alone for the first time in years. Celebrate that.
Know you can continue to learn about trauma. The more you understand how trauma affects people, the better you can be a non-judgmental support.
Survival itself is a sign of strength. They chose life. Tell them that. Every day.
Wrapping Up
Helping a survivor of sexual abuse is hard. It takes patience, education and dedication.
But the most valuable thing you can give isn’t advice or solutions, it’s your ongoing, non-judgmental presence. By believing survivors, respecting their choices, and supporting them in their healing journey, you are helping to rebuild the trust that sexual abuse tears apart.
Survivors need professional help, but you can provide something just as important in your own way: to know that they’re not alone, that they’re believed, and that they’re worthy of healing.
No two survivors have the exact same journey, but with the right support, healing is possible. Your part in that support matters more than you may know.
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